Being married is exciting. And fun.
It’s also sobering.
It’s daily choosing to be about someone else before yourself.
And failing miserably more often than not.
When I was engaged, marriage seemed like a beautiful fairy tale life where my husband would adore me and serve me at all times. He’d always tell me I’m beautiful and will always encourage me, he’ll make me feel great and safe all the time and I’ll be happy every day forever.
If you’re engaged, or even if you’re not, there’s probably a part of you that thinks this (or maybe I’m the only one). We’ve grown up watching Disney movies that always end happily. And The Notebook. Can’t forget The Notebook.
After a year and a half of life with Nick as my husband, I can tell you- marriage is not how I pictured it.
It’s not all sunshine and smiles and perfection.
Sometimes you say things you don’t mean and it causes a fight but your pride gets in the way and you won’t back down even though you know it’s ridiculous.
There are times when I go crazy trying to make my husband happy. Do I look good enough, act nice enough? Am I perfect enough that he is pleased with who his wife is?
I’ve learned we both do this. And we become so trapped in these desires that we forget to actually care for each other. We think it’s selfless but all we are focused on is “me”.
We came to this revelation last night. Through anger and disappointment we realized – wow, I’m putting so much effort into making myself something I think you want. And I’m missing out on you. I’m not having fun with you. I’m not excited to see you. I just feel like a disappointment.
Let me tell you, that’s a terrible thing to have to say – and to hear.
We went to bed lighter and free, but I woke up anxious.
There’s no spark? Is that my fault? Am I unattractive? What’s wrong with me that my husband feels this way?
This can be paralyzing. It can also lead right back to the cycle that got us here in the first place. So we have to cut it off if we stand a chance against it.
My wise husband encouraged me after I shared my fears with him. He told me God desires to protect us from these sorts of things, but He will use them for our growth when they happen.
He calls us to be strong. He calls us to fight the good fight, and He equips us for it.
One of the ways He does this is through a spouse. We are meant to continually encourage, build up and support each other.
It’s easy to lose sight of this when he leaves his clothes all over the floor.
That’s silly, but seriously!
Marriage is not exactly what I thought it would be. It’s tough. It’s emotional. It reveals weaknesses. It makes me question my intentions.
It’s growth. It’s learning to love someone unconditionally- the kind of love our hearts yearn for & only find in Jesus. How amazing that I get to (attempt to) be that for another person. God entrusts me with the heart of His son, to love and care for him.
The most helpful reminder I need is that we are on the same team. We only want good things for each other.
& that there is abundant grace when we fail. Thank Jesus for that.