I’m a little insane.
I cry a lot when I’m stressed. I hold it in and try to handle it but I don’t and then I’m a mess.
My poor husband.
Lately I have put myself in a mental black hole. I’m thankful for a place to make sense of it. Here’s my attempt.
I want to keep everyone happy. My dad says it’s his favorite and least favorite thing about me. In other words, it’s a gift and a curse. I think of how other people are feeling but I concern myself with it so deeply that it becomes my identity. It’s a dark place to be. I’m only happy if you’re happy. Very unhealthy.
I have baggage. Don’t we all? I have hurt that brought me here. It’s not anyone’s fault really. It’s just there.
I concede too much. That’s a good way to put it, I suppose. I lose track of what I want in what other people want. Especially my husband.
I, of course, want to be a good wife. I want to make him happy but that can’t be all I am. I know that. But sometimes it’s hard to remember to fight for myself, for what I want.
I get so consumed I forget what I want out of life. It takes me to this place of frustration and confusion and unhappiness.
It’s not my job to always make Nick happy. It’s not my job to always say yes if I don’t think something is a good idea. It’s not my job to lose myself in the process.
It’s my job to be his wife, his partner. It’s my job to remember that what I hear in my head might not actually be what he thinks. It’s my job to do what God put me here to do. It’s my job to seek this purpose for my life. That does include being a wife. But what else?
Maybe it’s being a mom. I hope so.
Maybe it’s being a part of other peoples’ healing. That brings me so much joy. I don’t know how or what that looks like right now.
Maybe it’s reading more. Fighting for time to do that, to paint and dance or sing. I feel silly saying that.
Maybe it’s actually taking that dance class I keep talking about and blogging more often because I love it.
I think it’s definitely going back to school. I’m bored at the job I have right now because I’m done learning here. That’s not an arrogant statement. There is literally nothing changing, it’s all the same. I can’t stand that.
Nick is so good at doing what he loves, fighting for time there and making sure it happens. He doesn’t harm our relationship by doing this. He enriches it because he grows when he does these things. They improve his soul. I want to be more confident that doing things I want to do is okay.
It isn’t selfish if I make time for myself, especially since I don’t at all right now. I need it.
This makes me excited to move out west. To find adventure in the mountains and experiencing something new.
Yes it will be hard. Yes it will be lonely sometimes. Yes I will cry and be sad and that’s okay.
But I have a Savior who teaches me to find peace in Him. I have a faithful husband who wants me to be anything I want to be. And I have people who love me and want good things for me.
I have a lot to be thankful for.
Ps. If you find a friend who lets you come over on a whim because you’re sad and hands you a glass of wine when you walk in the door…keep her forever.