Right now I’m sitting in a cafe at Canyon’s Resort while the hubs shreds the fresh pow (did I really just say that?) and it’s been snowing for like 14 hours.
As of tomorrow, it’ll be two weeks of Utah living.
Two weeks of seeing mountains everywhere. Two weeks of trying to find comfort here, in a new state. Two weeks of missing friends and family and mourning the distance. Two weeks of a new church. Two weeks of tears, laughter, family visiting, redecorating, and cleaning. Two weeks of searching for places that feel like home.
When you move across the country, you’re too excited to think about all the things you leave behind. It’s when you have to plan a FaceTime with a friend that you remember how far away you’ve gone – from everything familiar.
I think there will come a moment when I will have to let all of that go so I can live happily here. So I can stop being sad about what I left behind and look forward to what will be happening here. How heartbreaking is that. You’d never think in the moment that what is happening will become a memory, even a memory you’ll forget one day. I can’t imagine I’ll ever forget my friends, but honestly, don’t we all say this when we move on?
It starts in elementary school, signing each others’ yearbooks as if we’ll know each other forever. But how common is it that you actually will?
And then you get to high school graduation and you’re sad because your “crew” is being split up, but there’s always more people. You meet the best friends you’ll have in college. That’s where the real life starts. You grow up, you learn to do everything on your own and if you’re lucky, you learn that alongside people who love you. I had this blessing.
When college is over, it all feels like a dream. It’s the best, quickest four years of life. And you have a choice. Be the person that never leaves college and tries desperately to maintain 20+ friendships due to fear of letting go. Or choose to be the person that goes. I never thought I’d be that second person. That is until I got married.
When that happens, during or after college, everything changes. You’re almost forced to go, to not hold on anymore. Friendship now takes even more effort. You have to keep track of when you’ve talked to that person or the other. It takes a schedule – and it makes it harder if not all your friends are consistent.
And if you’re me, you make your life even harder and you move 1700 miles away.
I haven’t made any real new friends here yet. It’s only been two weeks. That’s what I tell myself. It’ll happen. I know it will, eventually. But it will take effort. It will take vulnerability, a willingness to share my life with a new person, someone who doesn’t know anything about me, who I barely know.
Why is this so scary to imagine? Maybe because it feels like starting high school all over again.
I want this process to be easy. I find myself begging God for ease in making friends – real, truly honest friends. Even in Ohio I have a handful of these. How will it be when I have to start all over?
When I post on this blog, I think about who is reading. I try to imagine what they think when they’re reading my word vomit. Are they relieved by my honesty? Do they wish I would stop rambling? Do they care about all this? Am I helping them through something?
No matter where you are in the process I described, I want to share some hope with you. Friends will come and go. It is a painful piece of life that has the ability to haunt us. But as I write this I think of Paul’s message to the Philippians.
He says “…but one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead…” (Phil 3:13 don’t worry I had to look that up). Here Paul is referring to the journey of becoming like Christ in life and one day in death, experiencing Him in Heaven. Crazy.
Before this, Paul says there is nothing more he wants than to know Christ fully, but he hasn’t reached that yet – he isn’t perfect. Neither are we. He encourages the church of Philippi to move past the failures they’ve experienced and look toward what is ahead.
I am learning every day how to have grace for myself. How to forgive my failures and instead focus on what is to come for me. Lord knows what that will be.
For example, I went to a new fitness center today. I did a class called “U-Jam” and I was late, of course. I felt so silly at first, dancing and trying to follow steps – not my forte. But after the first song, I was addicted. I looked ridiculous – I know this because there’s two full walls of mirrors and I looked like a lanky lady trying to crump – but so did everyone else! This place has barre classes, TRX, yoga, and it’s run by 3 women. They can do/teach all of those things. I’m so impressed.
I hope this will help me make friends. Not only that, but become more confident in myself/my ability to dance without caring what people think.
Thanks for reading through this. I seriously am humbled that even 1 person cares what I have to say.