update

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It’s been a minute, so here’s the happening lately:

It’s not spring in Utah yet. Today it was 55 and that’s the highest it’s been thus far. People are on spring break trips in Florida and I’m chillin in the snow and cold. Weatherman says next week it’ll be 70s. Maybe.

Yay, Utah.

In other news, I checked out two books from the library for nostalgia’s sake,
and now I remember why I don’t do that anymore….because they’re overdue and have been for a week. Whoops.

Also I haven’t read either of them.
I don’t think I’ll be needing that library card after all.

Nick’s last day of work was today! Hallelujah.
He’s been slowly wasting away from boredom at that place, so now he’s looking for a new job. I’m pleased about that, but also sad because they’d bring home beer and fruit snacks. Mostly going to miss the free fruit snacks. I just ate my fourth pack of the day. No regrets!

The most exciting news…we finally found our own place! (!!!!!)
I hate when people use absurd amounts of exclamation points, but there are literally not enough in the world to express my excitement for this new apartment/duplex thing.

It’s a one-story, adorable house that the landlords rent out as two separate apartments. It’s got a brick wall that separates the two sides and it’s white brick (!!!) All the walls are white and there are massive amounts of windows/sliding glass doors. We have a backyard! GAAAHH FINALLY.

HAHA. I’m so jittery about it.

People have been making fun of me, but I’ve literally planned out every inch of that place. April 15th canNOT come soon enough.

What am I most excited about? The white walls.
No, I’m not kidding. Here’s to hoping that improves my indoor -Insta game. It probably won’t. But not for lack of trying! (I sorta hate that this is what I think about)

I’ll have to put up some pictures once we move in, because this place is killer. Maybe not to everyone, but when you’ve lived with your husband and other people for as long as you’ve lived with just him – you’d settle for a studio.

 

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Moving on…

It was definitely strange for us to spend Easter without our families. We’ve both never done that before. Especially without all the planning and forethought that’s usually necessary, it almost didn’t feel like a holiday.

What we experienced instead, was a day of rest. It was incredible to spend time with new friends, be at our new pastor’s house and be so welcomed into this fresh community of people. A lot of the people we’ve met aren’t local either. They’re from all over – Indiana, Alabama, Texas, Wisconsin, Washington. It warms my heart that other people can understand what we’re going through, having to adjust here. Though we missed our families, it was such a blessing to be with these people. They love so genuinely and actually care a lot about how we’re doing. I’m so thankful for this church. The church I didn’t think I’d like….funny how that works out.

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Getting a little deeper –

Right now, the hardest thing for me is feeling comfortable. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally. I’ve made these new girl friends who I LOVE and it’s been amazing getting to hang out with them. It’s a very different vibe than I’m used to though. These are adult friends. People my age that I can have a drink with and talk about college. Not that I don’t have that at home, but I usually only do that with one person at a time. Now, it’s 4 or 5 other girls and it’s a little bit of a stretch for me, honestly.

Since I’ve been here, God has been stretching me. He is challenging my definition of comfort, how I see myself in other peoples’ eyes. I want these girls to like me. That has always been my biggest struggle in every facet of life. I yearn for acceptance and pray no one can actually tell. I’m terrified someone will see right through my perfectly placed humor to what I’m not saying. But how strange that I secretly want them to see. Nick is always reminding me I’m not the only one that’s afraid. If I asked them, these girls might be feeling the same way. How unbelievably difficult it is to be the one to break down that barrier.

Do we all do this? Do we all hide behind the seemingly easy life because we’re too afraid to be the only one that’s struggling?

What are we missing out on here? Real friendship. Real anything.

I know I am missing out. I know that my desire for control, for everything to be clean and in its place is masking the fear of being fully known by people I don’t trust yet. “Yet”… isn’t that an excuse? A word to say meaning maybe I’ll let them in, maybe not. Or – is it a promise? Because I want to trust them.

There are not many things that I know with certainty. Through life I have learned only a few that I cling to.

Lately, I have been grasping at this one: there is no freedom in being afraid, it only leads to death – death of friendship, death of possibilities. Death of faith. 

We all seek comfort in knowing we are not alone.
I want to be brave enough to find out that I’m not.

 

 

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