Who knew you could wake up and already have so many thoughts running through your head.
This morning I woke up like all other mornings. I turned off the alarm on my phone and checked my email, then scrolled through Instagram.
I immediately felt like I needed to wear a cute outfit so I could post something of value on my story like all the other bloggers do and why didn’t I go out last night?
My Friday night consisted of sitting at my kitchen table with dark chocolate and Benedict Cumberbatch – not out at a trendy bar. I immediately began feeling anxious and like my blog will never work because I’m not exciting enough as a person. I don’t go out all the time with 8 girls who take selfies and love bodysuits.
No, I’m the married girl who sits at home eating chocolate and watching Sherlock while her husband plays Battlefield 1 and Rainbow Six Siege. And yes, I do know a lot about these games. We’ll still interact with each other on these nights, but this is our favorite way to unwind after a really long, exhausting week.
It takes me typing this to feel like that’s not super lame. Today, Nick is snowboarding. He left while I was still sleeping and today I will be running errands and Skyping with my friend who lives in NC. This is not massively interesting, so I feel some sense of insecurity having a blog. What am I going to post about that people will care to read? I don’t have all this money to spend on clothes at Nordstrom – will I make it as a blogger? You might giggle at this fear, but if you look at most lifestyle/fashion bloggers, they will be on liketoknow.it and they will have been shopping at Nordstrom, among other places. I do not have money or the desire really to buy a $100 cardigan. I’d rather go to H&M and get it for $30 or on sale at Old Navy for $25. I have this idea in my head that to be the blogger I want to be, I have to be like all the other ones.
It’s terrifying, being different than the rest. I’m sure there are other bloggers like me in the vast expanse of people taking up this business/hobby – but are they successful?
Money carries a business – investments lift a brand off the ground and launch it into the mess that is the economy. My investment in this is a little different. My investment is prayer.
I’m thankful I do not have money to spend on all those silly Nike Free Runs that cost $100 or more. I’m also thankful that I have a husband to tell me “Babe, you do not need that.” And who would not be happy with me if I spent the money for bills on some shoes. I have built in accountability there, and I know it’s God being gracious and offering me some boundaries – because I am the type to spend like crazy and not notice the consequences until it’s too late.
Side note – lately I have been typing and writing g’s where q’s go. Does this happen to anyone else?
Last week at my book study with my church group, the weekly studies had been about realizing what we have so we don’t run off and search for happiness in getting something else.
I realized I do this just about every day. I scroll through these Instagram posts and like the ones that have any piece of clothing I’d like to have and then once I get the email (if you don’t know how liketoknow.it works you should find out – it’s amazing) I click on the piece I want and see how much it would cost. Usually, it’s from Nordstrom and it costs an entire arm, just short of a leg, so I’m incredibly disappointed. But sometimes, it’s H&M! Huzzah! And I think wow – I have to have this.
I have a running list in my phone of things I “need”. Things – not people, not character traits I should be developing, just “things”.
I am looking at my life going “I don’t have enough here – what would fill this hole?”
I’m entirely missing everything I have to be incredibly grateful for. All of this lengthy introduction to say this – I’m starting a weekly series on this topic. I’m going to post every Saturday about the previous week and all the things I’ve written down that I am thankful for. I’m going to keep a running list every day and make sure I do not miss what God has already provided for me.
Clothes, we are told, are not that important. Neither are purses or shoes or jewelry, but they are pretty and we want them. Or it’s a car, a new snowboard if you’re Nick, a new rechargeable battery pack for an Xbox controller or whatever else.
I have a dream life in my head where I can afford all the things I want and I fill this beautiful, white-walled home with gorgeous décor and all the Nordstrom clothes and shoes and purses and Baublebar jewelry I could want. Today, I tried to picture if I’d still be searching for more in that life.
I would. It would never be enough because truly, what my heart is yearning for is healing. I am desperately seeking happiness amidst pain I cannot fully understand.
So today starts the grateful heart series.
(Photo via Pinterest)
- a job – a CEO who thanks me for working for him
- Lisa Wolfe – if you know her, this needs no explanation
- Ashley Mason, my therapist (no shame in needing therapy, people. Life can rly suck)
- Nick’s job! He might be up for a promotion!!!
- Cute clothes to wear
- Chrissy Teigen’s tweets
- $8 nails at Walgreen’s – here
- NO INVERSION (Salt Lake City probs)
- Therapy only being $15 !!
- my amazing step-mom
- Sherlock – Benedict Cumberbatch is insanely talented and his wit is ridiculous
- This American Life on Pandora!
- Planes – so family can visit
- my socks that say “bite me”
- You! Whoever, you are, because you’re reading this really long post
- Comfy sweaters that feel like blankets
- and of course, soft blankets.
I started this idea on Wednesday, so it’s a short list this week.
What are you grateful for today? I’d love to hear! Feel free to share in the comments below.