fear

we are so attracted to vulnerable and authentic people, yet so completely terrified of being one. 

I wrote that as a “we” statement because I’d like to believe I’m not the only one who feels this way.

I love following people on Instagram that both show and discuss their real lives, not just post the highlight reel that’s aesthetically pleasing or has a stupid theme. and yet, my instagram feed is hardly ever updated, my drafts list just grows and grows because the fear is stronger than my courage. Am I the only one?

fear of judgment, fear of rejection. fear of being mocked or made fun of. fear that someone will say I’m too much or that I’ll regret sharing because that means someone gets too close and then they’ll see me and bring it up in public. that’s happened before and it makes me uncomfortable. but is that a good enough reason to not share on the internet? do I have to choose between being known here and being known in real life? or can I have both?

If I do have to choose, I’d much prefer to share over the internet. In real life, it’s too intimate. they can see my face, my tears, my everything. I feel too exposed. this is safe. YET somehow I’ve become afraid of both. I’ve become afraid of being known face to face and being known over the internet. So now I have neither. and that’s not what I intended. how did I get here?

I want to share and encourage other people – you can get through it too. I feel led by God to do this.

what happens when you’re the only thing in the way of your own purpose?

of course there is the truth – fear of being known is not a good enough reason to avoid sharing. I should do it if I want to! I should be brave. I know that. And yet I haven’t written since May about anything substantial or deep or meaningful. I rarely share my true feelings. It’s terrifying, to be seen fully – for what you truly are. It’s freeing to be known and loved. But this is the struggle – fear vs. freedom. We know it’s worth it, don’t we? I do. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it. and I love when others around me feel free to be themselves.

For some reason I have chosen to believe the lie that I am not worth what other people are. The space or time or air or energy or effort. I am not worth it like they are – they are wonderful, I am not. I am less. This is the lie I have believed.

The truth I have been told is this: I am worthy because God made me worthy. He made me whole and complete. He knows me fully and loves me fully. He has given me purpose. He sees what I have been through and wants me to use it to encourage others. He wants me to talk about it and about Him, so people can see Him through me. That is the truth.

When I believe the lie, I let fear take away my purpose.

Now this is my daily battle: believing the truth. I want to fight fear. I will try, but I will not always win. The more I fight, the better I’ll be at deafening the lies, and the more I’ll hear the truth instead.

What I have to say is important. It matters. No matter who reads it or how often or what they think about it or if someone brings it up in public and I feel awkward because I don’t know what to say. It matters. And so do you.

You are worthy because God made you worthy. He made you whole and complete. He knows you fully and loves you fully. He has given you a purpose. He sees what you’ve been through and wants you to use it to encourage others. He wants you to talk about it and about Him, so people can see Him through YOU.

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